The Second Half of the Journey

I’ve never flown KLM or been through Amsterdam. I think Amsterdam would be a place I would like to visit---at least from looking at the postcards=)

It was in Amsterdam I found out why I had to check my carry on. There are different restrictions for carry ons btw Europe and Asia. There’s also high security flying into South Asia. We had to through another full security check. I was highly entertained by a Scottish woman. She was a bit racy and shared her opinions freely. My layover wasn’t boring at all. We did a lot of people watching and speculation of people’s stories.

On the plane I was seated by a Punjabi man and his son. They were on their way to visit the man’s parents. The man and his son live in Germany. They only spoke German and Punjabi. My listening skills were tested as I tried to talk to the little boy who mixed the two languages. The man and I were able to communicate pretty well. There were some random words that failed me after being sleep deprived for more than 20 hours such as deice and the word for the wing on a plane. I enjoyed using my German again. Somehow the airline attendants thought we were married. I infer that from a comment they made when they came around checking on special meal orders. The attendant made the jester to us and the Indian couple across from us as being one family. I didn’t think anything of it until I was in line for customs. I realized I wasn’t ever given my immigration form on the plane. I slept a great deal and I think they didn’t wake me (which they typically do) because they thought the Punjabi man was my husband. Luckily, the immigration guy was nice and let me fill the form out without having to go to the end of the line.

After making it through immigration I went to collect my bags. Thank goodness all my baggage arrived with nothing missing or damaged. My host had fun watching me unpack. It is always interesting to see what newbies bring because you never really know what to bring. The company gave me a list of things to bring based on not living in a large city but I live in a city with 20 million people.

When I went shopping my first day here, I was pleased to find all sorts of food items I almost brought but are easily found here. I was also delighted to find a great selection of fruits and veggies. The best part is there are shops now with readymade clothes for people my size. YEAH!


I feel a bit spoiled. I have the best host. She uses her home as a guesthouse. I might end up staying with her during my year of language study since it’s so close to the school. There are lots of benefits of living with someone who has been here for 9 years. One is she has western toilets. Two is she has a wash machine. Three is she has a water heater (which they call geezers here). Four she has satellite TV. Five she has wireless. Six her house help cleans the house and washes dishes (note: It is customary to have house help. It’s not a luxury. It provides jobs for people and helps us out tremendously. We would be looked down upon by our community if we didn’t). I have access to all this as part of my rent. A special person lives in our neighborhood so we have electricity and water more often than other people. I’m a bit spoiled to begin with but it will help with the transition. There’s enough stuff I have to deal with than not being comfortable at home.


The weather hasn’t been as cold as anticipated but it’s been cool enough. I am taking a trip to visit a friend and her new baby next week. When I return I will start classes and have full orientation at work. It’s been good to have time to rest. I have a cold. My host says that most people get a cold the first week simply from exhaustion and acclimating to the pollution. I’m learning to be gracious to myself and am resting.

I'm on a Jet Plane

I’m writing this on the plane. To be honest I’ve never worked on my computer on a plane before. This seems a bit odd to me. This morning was so surreal. In some ways it seemed normal. I’ve made this trip before. Then there’s the reality that this isn’t just a trip.
Friday, I had a great time with my family celebrating my younger sister’s birthday. Saturday morning I was able to enjoy my goddaughter’s 4th birthday party. It was hard to leave. My sisters picked me up and we went out to have one last sister night. We enjoyed dinner and a very curious movie. The main character even went to India to find himself. Then there was a poignant quote, “You can never truly miss someone until their gone.” I’m certain I am going to find that to be true.
Sunday I had some special time with my parents. Then my brother-in-law’s mom and sister came by to say goodbye. My grandma and uncle joined us for some excellent homemade chicken and dumplings. What can I say, my mom makes the best. My older sister, her girls and I ended up dragging enough mattresses into one room so we could have a slumber party.
This morning we did our usual Saturday morning breakfast but on Monday. Then I went to get my haircut. Then it felt like the clock stopped. Time started to drag. The anticipation was building. Noon hit and everyone teared up and we loaded the car and headed for the airport.
Everything went smoothly except they made me check my carry-on. I’m a bit hacked about it. They claimed that they needed to limit passengers to one item only and that my carry on was too heavy. I couldn’t convince them otherwise. I only got to bring my computer on the plane. I really hope nothing happens to that bag. I had to pay to check it. I couldn’t leave it and it wouldn’t fit in my other luggage or computer bag. It really sucked.
There’s about six more hours left on this flight. I’ll have to finish this story later.

Surprise Guests!

I have been able to see people I haven’t seen for several years. The first was an unexpected visit from my friend Chris. We grew up in the same neighborhood and have always called ourselves brother and sister. Chris, his wife, and girls are moving back to town. He stopped by unannounced. What timing.
Yesterday, my parents did my last farewell thing. Friends old and new came. There were many surprises. The first was my friend Rachel and her son. Rachel and I have known each other for at least 23 years if not longer. We thought we had already said our goodbye but I’m glad we got another chance to see each other. Her parents, sister, and nephew were also there.
Another friend, Allison, happened to be in town visiting her mom. They both came. Allison and I have known each other since junior high. It meant so much to see her before I left.
Then I thought I was seeing things. I turned around and saw someone in the doorway and thought, “That looks like Lucia.” Then I looked again and it really was Lucia. Lucia and her husband Allan had also been in town for something else and were able to come by. I haven’t seen then in years.
Those were pleasant surprises. It was just wonderful to have all the people I love so much in one room. Saying goodbye well will allow me to say hello well to all the new things in my life.
Today I am supposed to say goodbye to another dear friend. Tomorrow my nieces are out of school for MLK Day. My nieces, my sisters (including Rachael), and I are having a girls’ day out. We will be going out to eat and seeing Bedtime Stories.
Tuesday will be my last day of errands (hopefully). I’m having lunch with the Peacocks sometime this week. Saturday I will go to my goddaughter’s birthday party and have to say goodbye to her and her family.
Then Monday will be the hardest, so let’s not go there yet. It will be here soon enough.

Back to Saying Goodbye

My friends back in my parents’ home town also gave me a farewell party. It was great. My favorite foods and favorite people, what more can you ask for? My friends who put the party together had me register. It was somewhat profitable. I got some much needed things and some fun things.
Before my surgery I went with my friend to get everything I need to take. I have everything (minus a few things) and now I just need to pack. Got to weigh my bags and make sure they are only 50lbs. each.

Surgery. Avoid at all cost=(

I am a horrible sick person. Just ask my family, if they weren’t my family then they would have disowned me. I wasn’t nervous about the surgery until the anesthesiologist came in and explained the tubes would be inserted into my stomach and lungs. I didn’t like that idea. They came in to give me some light drugs that were supposed to start the sedation and well I don’t remember anything after that. I woke up not knowing if the procedure had happened yet and some person was reaching into my gown and pulling my heart monitors off my chest. A bit weird to say the least. This nurse was trying to get me to eat crackers and drink 7Up. I just wanted to either vomit or sleep. Apparently, when they removed the tube from my stomach I had done just that…vomited. They were giving me anti-nausea drugs and pain meds. The nurses thought I was good to go. I fooled them. The moment I got home I started vomiting. I continued to vomit two or three times an hour in 10-15 increments. My family was on the phone with the doctor. They tried various things and finally ended up having to take me to the ER.That was a nightmare. First, the wait. Second, they couldn’t find vein to put my IV in (I have multiple bruises to prove it). Third, a nurse with horrible bedside manners (I thought my parents were going to kill him). I ended up being admitted to the hospital and told I couldn’t leave until I could keep down a meal. That’s really exciting considering hospital food could make a well person vomit.In the morning I ended up keeping a clear diet down (go jello!). I got a regular lunch…chicken fried steak covered in gravy with garlic mac & cheese and peas. Did they want me to really leave? I ate the dinner roll, some of the chicken fried steak (after taking the gravy off), and some peas. It stayed down! I went home and recovery has gone well.

Goodbyes Continued...oh, wait!

Some of you might have caught on that I was actually supposed to leave already (Jan 8th). I had a little mishap called a gallbladder attack. I ended up have surgery instead of leaving. After the doctor’s approval this coming Monday (Jan 26th) I will be leaving.

Everyday Miracles

The 2007-2008 school year offered me many challenges in the classroom. My students have always acted like a mirror for me. They have brought out the best and worst in me. They have been my best teachers.
I had several students in my class which we refer to as “hard-to-handle.” Typically, I deal well with these students and they end up being my favorites (let’s be honest, all teachers have favorites). It seemed to me that I had more in this class than usual or they had just the right personality to get to me more than others have. One of those students’ was a boy I’ll name Dave.
Dave was a very energetic boy. He was cared for by his disabled grandfather. They lived in a rundown house with leaking a leaky roof that wasn’t well insulated. It wasn’t the best place for a child to be living. He basically took care of himself at 10 years old. When he came to school Dave was usually not bathed or groomed. He had a certain smell that could make you gag. Dave’s clothes were always dirty and torn. What always got me were his fingernails. His nails were so dirty that his cuticles were infected. I did what I could to help him. The nurse let him bathe in the mornings if he arrived early. The social worker would help Dave get new clothes or wash the ones he wore.
What broke my heart the most was the look in his eyes of a loss of childhood, a loss of innocence. Dave’s anger was fierce. Along with the help of other teachers and some administrators we worked on a plan to help him learn to deal with his emotions. Dave was making a lot of progress which also helped his academics. Then one day he moved.
I found out that he moved to my friend’s school. She kept me up-to-date with his progress. Then I got word that Dave’s grandfather died. I worried about who would take care of him.
I got to see Dave when I went to visit my friend at her school. She had me hide behind the door while she pulled him out on the pretense that he was in trouble. Then she said, “This woman wants to speak to you.” She stepped out of the way. He squealed my name and just about tackled me.
I wanted to cry. Dave was about a foot taller, well groomed and clean---even his nails! His eyes gleamed with the innocence of a child. He passed his TAKS test and was doing well in class. Dave said he was now living with his aunt. Thank you Dave’s aunt. I’ve never met you but I think you’re wonderful.
Seeing Dave doing well made all the stress, pain and hard work of that year worth it. Just as Dave has been changed by that year so have I. We are both better for knowing each other. We definitely have someone greater to thank for the work He did in us and will continue to do in the years to come.
I love you Dave! Keep up the good work. Thanks Ms. Kelley for all you’ve done.

Time to Say Goodbye

I have been trying my best to intentional say good-bye well to people and places over the last few months. To be honest it started in June when I left the school I have taught at for the past three years. I had to leave my community and my friends of the last six years. I’ve been so thankful that it wasn’t a sudden severing but a gradual adjustment. I’ve been able to go back and gradually and purposefully say good-bye.
My last visit to the place I call home was the first part of December. I had an amazing send off. I wanted to share some of them with you. I spent the week having coffee, lunch, dinner, and whatever other kind of gathering one can have with various people. My first night in town I had dinner with a couple that has become sort of parent figures for me. They themselves have spent time living overseas working and have been an endless source of wisdom. The place we ate was meaningful because it was a favorite spot for some friends of mine to go.
The next afternoon I got to catch up with my former teaching partner. I simply was able to lounge in her living room and play with her six month old son and chat it up. I miss working with her and seeing her every day. Love you Megan!
I had dinner with an old roommate at a local restaurant. I had lunch with a former co-worker at my favorite Thai restaurant. I went and visited my school one last time. I also went to visit another school where some friends of mine teach and saw some old students (see Everyday Miracles for more details). I also had coffee with a former professor who as always imparted some wisdom for me.
The difficult thing is you can’t have individual meetings with everyone you know. I sent an email out to everyone I had in my address book (who lived in the area) that I would be at Starbucks from 4 to 9 on Friday night. It was a great idea. I got to see so many people that way.
Saturday morning I had a precious breakfast at some friends’ house. They have the most fun-loving two red-heads in the world. They made me a special gift, a paper chain that was as tall as their ceiling.
When saying goodbye to people you must also say goodbye to places. I have one that I wanted to interject here. Before teaching elementary school I taught adult education (GED & ESL). One of the locations I taught at was a Hispanic Catholic Church. I feel in love with this place. The fathers and sisters were extraordinary people. All of them but one come from somewhere outside the US. I loved being around them. The church is over 100 years old. It’s breath-taking. I love to just sit in there. It makes me feel at peace. I went and sat one last time in its pews and just took it all in.
Sunday night I had a sending off party thrown by some of my closest friends. It was a sweet time of remembering and looking to the future. It was a good closure to my time there.
One thing that made the entire visit perfect was my hosts. I have to take time to brag about them. Chris & Melanie rock! They made their home my home. I was able to come and go as needed. I could rest or play with their adorable little son. The best part is I got to see them a lot. I will definitely miss having conversations with Mel that go from being very deep and serious to very funny and light-hearted. I love you Melanie!
One last stop on my way out of town…the perfect breakfast place with a very good friend. Then I had to drive away until next time.

The Transition Bridge

When I last left you I said I would talk about saying goodbye well and transition. While at training our instructors gave us a great image of what people who move to another place experience. It doesn’t matter if you are moving overseas or within your own country. When you move to another culture (which can be in your own country) the transition is more extreme.
If you can imagine with me two sturdy wooden chairs, the kind you would use to stand on to reach something in a high spot. Then connected to those two chairs making a bridge are two conference room style chairs, the ones that have the curved bowed legs that allow you to rock back and forth. Then comes three large exercise balls held together by saran wrap. After the balls are two more conference chairs and finally two more sturdy wooden chairs. Would you like to walk across this bridge?
The sturdy wooden chairs represent our lives when we are settled. We feel safe and have a routine and know the rules of our society (spoken and unspoken). When someone starts pulling up roots, packing up their belongings, and saying good-bye to people and places they become unsettled. This is represented by the not so sturdy conference chairs. As we get in that U-Haul or on the plane to go to our new “home” we are stepping out on very unstable exercise balls held together by saran wrap. This is the stage known as chaos. A person no longer has any identity in their community. They don’t understand the rules of society and possibly not even the language. As an adult it feels as if you become a two year again. The good news is there are chairs past the “chaos,” but it can take a while to get there. For some it can take them six months to a year to enter an unsettled stage again. On average it takes a person about two years to reach a settled stage. This is just a glimpse into what I’ve been experiencing this past year and what I have to look forward to.
As I started packing and making decisions about leaving the place I have lived for the past six years I started moving into the unsettled phase. When I left this place in June to move near family before I left I became even more unsettled. Here I am days away from departure and can feel the chaos starting to approach. It’s like walking closer and closer to a ledge and knowing once you get there you have to jump off. Here’s to 8 more days till my jump!

Disclaimer: I wrote this 10 days before I left and then didn't get it published. Now I am actually in the motherland.

HIV Negative

I'm sure the title of the blog got your attention. I hope it did. In order to live, study, & work in India one must have an HIV test. I was appalled when my doctor would not give me the test. Then I went on a quest to find the nearest clinic. As I searched the web and started calling places I was astonished at the cost of the test. I thought we had come a long way in the fight against AIDS and HIV prevention. I was wrong.


The closest and cheapest ($76) clinic was Planned Parenthood. Growing up I viewed PP as the poor man's gyno. It offers invaluable and necessary services to those who can't afford to get it anywhere else. It wasn't until I was in high school and college that I realized there was a stigma that went with this place and the ethical dilemma of their abortion practices. I felt that yesterday as I sat in the waiting room. Everyone was desperate not to make eye contact. I noticed two things happen inside of me. One I'm proud of; the other I'm ashamed of. My first reaction was to reach out and talk to people. There's no shame in being there. I wondered what their stories were. Then my second reaction came from the darkest part of my heart. Questions that were not of love or compassion but of judgement. The saddest part was I knew where I had learned it. During my 2 hour wait I ended up talking to a mother and daughter sitting next to me and the woman who shared my last name (we both kept answering when they called our name to come to the counter).


I was finally called back. It took just a few minutes for them to prick my finger and put my blood on what looked like a pregnancy test. Then I was back in the waiting room for the longest 15 minutes of my life. As far as I know there hasn't been any way I've been exposed to HIV. I was confident that I would be negative. For some reason I found myself nervous and concerned. I started thinking about all the people I know who are HIV positive and all the people I know that have lost loved ones to the horrid disease. My heart broke for them. When they called me back to give me the results I truly was able to give thanks that I was HIV negative. It's something that we shouldn't take for granted.


Below is a link to an article I found on BBC. I thought it was pretty interesting so I wanted to pass it along.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7754007.stm


It doesn't matter how people contract HIV, it's our privilege to show love and compassion to those who suffer. We should consider it an honor if we are given the chance to walk with those who are HIV positive. We have an obligation to fight for their right and access to affordable health care. Judgement should never be an option.

Mount Rushmore

The Black Hills of South Dakota are BEAUTIFUL!!!! The pictures don't do it justice. It was so cool to see Mount Rushmore. It's worth the trip if you ever get the chance.

Pikes Peak

If you ever want to go to the top of Pikes Peak, I would recommend you drive. Be prepared for some strong winds and to freeze no matter what time of year. It is over 14,000 feet above sea level.

Garden of the Gods

If you are ever in the area, you must take the time to walk through the GoG. Here are some photos that my friends and I took one Saturday.

What to expect next...

The Transitional Bridge: moving from settled to unsettled to chaos to resettling to settled. I am currently in the unsettled stage and will move into chaos the closer I get to leaving. If you are connected to me you will also have to cross this bridge.

Quick update: My new expected departure is January. Things are coming together faster than expected.

Healthy Good-byes & Hellos

Grief & Loss

I have always been ashamed of the way I express my emotions and cry at the drop of a hat. I’ve learned here that I have a healthy sense of grieving. My shame is hindering the good that can come from those tears. For the first time in my life I felt free to truly grieve this week.

There are many things I am grieving. I am losing any sense of stability. Home is an abstract concept. My life does not have routines. With each passing day life becomes more and more unpredictable.

I am already struggling with a sense of lost identity. I have moved from my community. I am no longer a teacher and will soon become a language student. Once I leave I will not be anyone’s friend and it won’t matter to anyone who my parents are or where I grew up. I will become a stereotype of what others think Americans (or even Texans) are. This is always not a good thing. That’s an issue for a later blog.

As I move away I must let go of all my support systems and have to rely on strangers. Things will not come easy and I will have to get use to things taking longer. My goals and ambitions will take longer because I will lose my competency. As a language learner, I will be functioning as a 2-3 year old. I will have to learn every aspect of daily life over again.

Then there are still anticipated losses which I must face. The good-byes. I’ve already had to say some. They are hard especially when the elderly or children are involved. The hardest good-byes will be to my sweet nieces and embracing the loss of missing out on their lives. I also have three precious godchildren. I must grieve the loss of missing out on their lives as well. The reality of losing those you love while you’re gone. My grandparents are in their eighties. At this point I consider each day with them an extended gift. This decision means missing out on family events.

I draw comfort that though nothing can replace these relationships and experiences that I must let go of I will have new relationships and experiences to fill the loss.

Stress Management

This is an area which I have been struggling with. If I catch stress early I usually deal with it well and can defuse it. In the midst of chaos, I tend to ignore my early warning signs of stress and then when I finally do realize I’m stressed out I have to do a lot of damage control/recovery to do. The following questions help me identify if I am stressed:

1. Do you have muscle tension (especially in your neck & shoulders)?
2. How’s your stomach? (my bowels are a great indicator of how I’m doing=)
3. Are you sleeping through the night? Are you having any bad dreams?
4. What’s annoying you? (if it’s all the little things I need to withdraw)
5. What are you reading? (if I’m not reading, then things are not ok)
6. Am I exercising on a regular basis?
7. Am I eating healthy?
8. Am I honoring myself? This last question is key. This refers to knowing myself and acknowledging my personality, preferences, gifts, limitations, areas of vulnerability, areas of health and victory? If I’m honoring myself then I should be doing pretty well. If I’m not, then something is going to be off and I’m going to be out of balance.
   

If you want to encourage me on this journey, use these questions to keep me accountable to healthy cross-cultural living principles. Another key component of managing stress is resting. It would also be appropriate to ask me when was the last time I took the day off or went on a weekend get away. If I don’t rest on a regular basis I won’t be able to manage my stress through. If I don’t manage my stress I increase my possibility of health related issues and coming home prematurely.

Conflict Management

I am a shark! Those of you that know me well have probably most definitely felt my bite. I am a shark that has learned skills in order to change my conflict management depending on the situation and the person I am relating to. It doesn’t matter what I do on the outside my heart processes conflict in the following ways:

• I have a strong sense of right and wrong.
• It is important for me to be right.
• If my character is offended in anyway I will shut down.
• I have a need to take charge and be in control.
• It is important to be direct and get right to the point.
• The closer you are to me the worse my bite.

Some of you might be surprised by this and disagree. The issue isn’t in what I do but what is going on inside of me in the midst of conflict. When I act differently in conflict than what I described above, it is because I have learned to change my conflict management based on the situation and the person. When I function from another style I am operating from my brain and not my heart. Thank goodness I’ve learned to do that. Please forgive me where I haven’t.

Paradox & Expectations

The most complicated part of preparing to go to a foreign country is the paradoxes I live everyday. The simplest example of this is the great excitement I feel in anticipating my departure coupled with the great amount of grief there is in saying good-bye to everything familiar and to all the people that mean so much to me. Our instructors gave us this great visual for the paradoxes we are experiencing. Imagine a person standing in the center of the room. Put a large stretchy band around the waist of this person and stretch it out in two different directions. On one end of the stretchy band are the “yeah!” feelings I am having. On the other end are the “yuck!” feelings. Both these feelings live in tension around the center of the person. Don’t stop there. Add another stretchy band and stretch it out in opposite directions. This tension represents the expectations I have versus the reality I will face. The close my expectations are to reality the less tension I will experience. Now add another band with the expectations of nationals on one end and the expectations still coming from the States. The stressful thing about this tension is I don’t have any control over the expectations that others have of me. All I can do is figure out healthy ways to deal with this tension. Alas, I live a paradox in the midst of all these tensions. This leads to my next entry…conflict management.

Worldview

How do you view the world? There are many lenses that we look through when we observe and interact with our world. At the core is our lens of Faith. This answers the question of “What is real?” Moving outward we find our lens of Beliefs which answers “What is true?” From that lens we view our values which tells us “What is good or best?” All these lenses combine to dictate our Behaviors which demonstrate our worldview by “What is done?”

Every culture and sub-culture has different lenses. The challenge for me living cross-culturally is to try to see the world through other lenses. This can be difficult to do and takes a great deal of intentionality. It will be important for me to wrestle with this in order to function, communicate, and thrive in India.

I took an inventory of my values and identified which values are probably going to my greatest hurdles when I arrive in a few months. The first is my need to be independent and in control. Both of these will go out the window the moment I get on the plane. When a person enters a new culture they must be dependent on others and revert back to being more like a child. The everyday routines of life will no longer be familiar. I won’t know how to get around or go to the grocery store or even cook the food. Every aspect of life must be relearned. To top it all off I won’t speak the language or be able to communicate.

Another value that I will have to wrestle with is my knowledge and experience. I have very little knowledge and experience of Indian life and the Indian worldview. In fact I know just enough that I think it’s going to be more of a stumbling block because my knowledge/experience gives me a false sense of confidence.

Have you ever thought about how friendships are different in various cultures? As Americans we have certain expectations of our friends. In different cultures people have different expectations of how friends should interact and relate to each other. How friendships are formed and when one is considered a friend is also very different from one culture to another. Having intimate friendships are very important to me. I do not know what that will look like or how long it will take to form intimate relationships in India.

Also concerning relationships, I do not know what loyalty and respect look like in India. These are two characteristics I highly value in my relationships and interactions with others. Both of these qualities can be demonstrated very differently. It kind of is like the idea of love languages. When you know someone’s love language you can communicate love to them in a way that is meaningful to them. I will need to learn how Indians show loyalty and respect in order to know/understand how these values are communicated.

Cross-Cultural Training 101

I have been in Colorado for three weeks. During this time I have been looking at various aspects of living cross-culturally and anticipating how I might respond. To do that I have looked at my personality, worldview and cultural values, conflict management style, stress management and how I grieve. I’ve decided to make a series of entries related to my experiences here and what I have learned.