I have been unsettled for two months now. Some may say that I'm back home, but I'm really not. Yeah, I know what I said on my last post. It's really true, but I'm not fully there yet. My identity is still in other things like my work, my fellowship, and those who I share(d) life with.
Don't get me wrong---I love my family and will miss them incredibly when I'm gone, but I haven't been identified/introduced as Jimmy and Marilyn's daughter or even Gidget or Tabitha's sister in a very long time.
I'm a third grade teacher at Brook or a member of my local fellowship or a certain person's friend. I live...or did live in Waco across from Baylor btw Kate Ross and Sul Ross. If you are a Wacoan you would know where that is...and probably wonder why I lived there.
I was caught off guard the other day when someone asked, "Where are you from?" and without hesitation I replied, "Waco." My reactions and initial thoughts and feelings have been making me aware of the not so visible instability that I am living in.
Someone recently asked me if I was a nester. I've never really thought I was until now. I really do have to carve out a little place for me to be and do my thing. My need for control has gone so far off the charts that I've given up and feel as if it's impossible to control anything which I'm afraid is leading to apathy. No bueno.
I'm in Waco this week and feel as if I can exhale and regain my center. I went to my company orientation and we talked about the emotional process we will go through as we prepare to leave and then the culture shock we will encounter once we are in our new country. Talking about it is one thing---living it out is another. The most overwhelming part is feeling like no one understands and everyone thinks you're crazy.
I am looking forward to my cross-cultural training this fall that my company requires us to go through. It will be helpful and encouraging to be with others who are in the same situation and to have the time to hash everything out.
For now I'm going to enjoy my week of being at home---where I feel normal and safe and my identity still exists.
Shanti~ Shanti~Shanti
