I have always been ashamed of the way I express my emotions and cry at the drop of a hat. I’ve learned here that I have a healthy sense of grieving. My shame is hindering the good that can come from those tears. For the first time in my life I felt free to truly grieve this week.
There are many things I am grieving. I am losing any sense of stability. Home is an abstract concept. My life does not have routines. With each passing day life becomes more and more unpredictable.
I am already struggling with a sense of lost identity. I have moved from my community. I am no longer a teacher and will soon become a language student. Once I leave I will not be anyone’s friend and it won’t matter to anyone who my parents are or where I grew up. I will become a stereotype of what others think Americans (or even Texans) are. This is always not a good thing. That’s an issue for a later blog.
As I move away I must let go of all my support systems and have to rely on strangers. Things will not come easy and I will have to get use to things taking longer. My goals and ambitions will take longer because I will lose my competency. As a language learner, I will be functioning as a 2-3 year old. I will have to learn every aspect of daily life over again.
Then there are still anticipated losses which I must face. The good-byes. I’ve already had to say some. They are hard especially when the elderly or children are involved. The hardest good-byes will be to my sweet nieces and embracing the loss of missing out on their lives. I also have three precious godchildren. I must grieve the loss of missing out on their lives as well. The reality of losing those you love while you’re gone. My grandparents are in their eighties. At this point I consider each day with them an extended gift. This decision means missing out on family events.
I draw comfort that though nothing can replace these relationships and experiences that I must let go of I will have new relationships and experiences to fill the loss.
