It happened. I reached that point where I just had to escape. The only place I found that made the world disappear was under my covers, with the fan on, and my iPod playing in my ears.
I simply had just had it. I know it was brought on by being tired. We had a guest stay with us last night. She snored, tossed and turned, and was up and down all night. Considering her bed was just a yard away from mine---I didn’t sleep. My roommate felt so bad she let me take her treasured thermos full of coffee (she made) to class with me. Today was my long day. I never thought it was going to end. (Note: I also haven't been sleeping well in general b/c my back is acting up...hopefully that will be resolved this weekend when I go buy some foam.)
There is always noise here. The school is no exception (considering it’s located in a YMCA which runs a school for kids). Today was extra loud. First, there was this cat. It kept meowing and meowing and meowing and meowing and you get the point. I just kept thinking, “Please, kill the cat or take it out of the school.”
Then they are remodeling the school. They are literary tearing down cinder block walls with sledge hammers and jack hammers. It’s one thing when it’s three floors below you but today it was next door. I guess I’ll be more thankful when they are done with the new restrooms.
What made me just twitch and completely lose my concentration was what I think was the sweeper lady. Yes, sweeping. She was sweeping outside using a broom made of branches against concrete. The sound is much like fingernails on a chalk board.
To top it all off the smell at the construction site from a few weeks ago that made me vomit…oh yeah, it was starting to seep into our classroom from whatever they were doing from downstairs. It wasn’t as strong as the other place but it definitely was turning my stomach.
You put that on top of the stress and pressure I feel every time I go to class anyway and I was running out the door after my three classes today. What did I do? I went to the local café and finished my flash cards for the first nine chapters of my text book. Yep, that’s right. We are now on chapter 9. My grammar and individual tuition teacher keeps saying I need to catch up, know my vocab, review all the chapters, identify all the grammar I don’t get yet and ask about it when we meet on Fridays. I don't know what he thinks I'm doing, but it's obviously not good enough for him (not enough evidence yet that I've been frying my brain to catch up....it's just nine chapters in six days of class).
Do you know how many words are in 9 chapters? Almost 200 and most of them don’t overlap what I already know…what are the odds? I’m not even going to talk about the amount of grammar we’ve (sorry---they’ve) covered. But actually I found out that the original class was two couples who have studied before or have lived here for 10 years. They actually didn’t cover everything and they’ve had lessons that aren’t even in the book. Then another girl joined about a week late who also shouldn’t be in beginner Hindi. I was comforted when I found out that this other guy in my class came a bit late as well and is struggling too. He is about where I am. The others are so far ahead of us and the teacher has paced the class to their ability. Ugh. Some of them ask their questions in Hindi and I can’t even understand what they're asking. Really, we should not be in the same class. I asked about extra help and none of the teachers have any space in their schedule.
The teacher in me has flipped. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TEACH SOMEONE TO LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE (at least that’s my opinion). My conversation teacher says I’m not speaking enough. (She did say I had good comprehension) I don’t think I’ve listened enough. I started working with my house help. It will be rough at the beginning (she doesn’t speak English) but I think it will be helpful in the long run.
It’s killing me not being able to do well. I’m sure I’m being harder on myself than anyone. I don’t even agree with their expectations but I have this need to perform. If I step back and think about where I truly think I should be then I’m doing ok. I say ok because there are some areas I am really slacking and some I’m doing really well.
The result of all this frustration was me needing to escape. I came home from the café and disappeared for two hours under the covers. It helped so much. I have now emerged and am writing this.
I must say there was irony to the songs that came on my iPod. It started with the soundtrack my friends made for me of my year in Germany. The first song---Somewhere Over the Rainbow. My family and close friends will understand that reference because my backyard is pretty big (right, mom?). What made me ever think this was my dream come true? Then John Lennon’s Imagine came on. I must have been a crack addict in a past life because that’s the only way this song would be comforting. I feel like a disillusioned hippie who went to India to find herself and then after arriving asked herself, “Why in the hell am I here?” I knew this was coming.
There are cycles in culture shock. The first phase is the honeymoon. Everything seems great. You’ve finally made it and it’s what you’ve always wanted. Then reality hits and you hate everything. I think I’m crossing over to that phase. I sort of missed the phase where I love everything here. Maybe I covered that in my first three trips which convinced me to live here. The part of that phase I’m not missing (and wish I was) is dealing with being an American here. That’s just something I won’t blog about. From past experiences I know this will resolve (hopefully sooner than later). I also know that it will probably get worse before it gets better. It’s a repeating cycle until you get resettled and that takes about a year or two. At least they're moments (or days) and not entire months yet=)
